My name is Dee and I’m an alcoholic. Thank you for keeping me sober one more day, one more year, one more time. You see, this ain’t my first rodeo and this isn’t my first one-year chip.
I got sober in 1998. I guess that’s when I hit my bottom because my life was pretty dark. At that time I was hating my life and myself. All I could think about was drinking so that’s what I did everyday. And that’s when I had my first God-shot. I started asking my dad who died many years prior from this disease for help and soon thereafter I found myself in a 28-day program. There I found out that I am an alcoholic and what alcoholism is. I found a Higher Power, A.A., and that I’m not alone.
For the first few years I was the poster child for A.A. I floated on a pink cloud for a very long time. But one day at a time as my gifts of sobriety started to interfere with my gifts of sobriety, I found myself pulling away from A.A. and the fellowship. I was proud of the person I was. I was complacent. I thought I was all right because my Higher Power was right there with me and I had my books, and my steps and my meditation…yada…yada…yada.
When that drink was left in front of me just in case I changed my mind I said, “No, thank you. I haven’t had a drink in 13-1/2 years”. Just words at this point. I had forgotten what it was like to be a newcomer. I had stopped giving away what was so freely given me when I needed it most. My insurance policy from meetings and fellowship had expired way before then. So I picked up.
The lying, guilt, shame, hiding, and all the negativity that comes when this alcoholic drinks immediately came back by drinking that one shot. And since I had broken my sobriety, I had another. While sneaking drinks at my son’s wedding in Puerto Vallarta, a psychic approached me to tell me that my dad’s presence was really strong there, again watching my back. Another God-shot. This sneaking around went on for a couple of weeks when I sought help and got myself back into A.A. Get with the program, Dee. You know better. And you taught me we’ll as I was scared I was going back to that place in 1998 and worse.
Again, poster child for A.A. Steps again. Sponsor. Meetings. Proudly took another one-year chip and proudly carried the message.
Then I started to have problems with the bone in my upper mouth. It was deteriorating. My teeth were getting loose. I was getting bone grafts, sinus lifts and implants. Teeth we’re being pulled and implants started to come loose and were pulled. One day I found myself taking Hydrocodone, even when the pain had subsided. My brain said “You’re not gonna flush these.” That part of my diseased brain had awakened. Since I already broke my sobriety I rationalized drinking them down.
Lying, guilt, shame and hiding all back in my life again. I was still going to meetings and relinquished the service positions I had. Everyday I would show up for a meeting and say, “I drank last night” or “I drank yesterday.” Hearing “Just don’t drink” really ruffled my feathers. This time was harder as I was starting to enjoy the drink. For fear that I might end up living in a dumpster, prostituting myself with a needle in my arm because I had heard those stories at many an A.A. Convention from people with whom I had many similarities, I got myself into an out-patient program where I battled with this disease for a few weeks more saying, “I drank last night” or “I drank yesterday.”
Then miraculously when I hit my knees hard enough, got rigorously honest enough and did those things I didn’t want to do that we’re suggested to me, the obsession was lifted.
Today I take my one-year chip. Thank you for being here for me.
For those interested in Inspirational Gifts in Recovery or Hawaii Art, please visit my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com. Enjoy.