Reflecting

It’s time to write again. It’s been quite a while since I’ve blogged, and I miss it. I’ve had a lot of time for thinking and reflecting. And I realize I miss writing.
Been battling in my head whether or not I’m selfish (lacking consideration of others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure). I’m finding that some folks are more needy than others. Not demanding or whiny. Just needy. Seems that the more I give, the more that’s needed. Hmmmm. Then I wonder am I being used (exploited for one’s own advantage). So I try to put up some boundaries (a limit of a subject or sphere of activity), but that selfish thought keeps popping into my head.
As young girls we learn to nurture, to give, to put ourselves last. But I’ve learned that’s a no-no. I have to put myself first. I’m no good to anyone else if I’m junk. But what a hard thing to unlearn, putting ourselves last. Thought I was doing pretty well with it until favors started being requested. Then another. Then another. My razorbacks would go up (live next to wild razorback boars) when I got a call or text. I found myself starting to react.
See, this is all pretty new to me because I have a pretty serene and comfortable life. I am really blessed how good my life is. The guilt comes when others don’t have it so good. In recovery I’ve learned (from experience) that if I don’t give it away, I can’t keep it. I want to keep my good life. So rather than reacting, these “problems” went in the God Box for the night. Was way calmer in the morning. After succumbing to fulfilling more favors, the boundaries started to go up. Not cut-off mean boundaries. Just cordial separation boundaries. Feels pretty good.
When I shared this with my sponsor she restressed what she stressed to me before, “Dee, you’re too nice.” More thinking. Okay, yeah. But it felt good and it felt right. Now it doesn’t. Just time for new lessons. Never too old for new lessons. Actually, pretty exciting.
Had I written about this earlier, I may have nipped it in the bud sooner. I’m a strong believer that sharing what’s going on in me via conversation or writing really takes the power out of it. But that wasn’t meant to be. I am right where I need to be right now on this journey of mine. Again, feels pretty good. My sponsor also eased my burden by letting me know if I have that “razorback” feeling in my gut, I need to acknowledge it. It’s telling me something. I’m so glad that when those feelings come they’re brief. That I’ve learned enough to put things in the God Box and quiet myself. This too shall pass. Next week will be something else. Sweet.

For those interested in inspirational gifts in recovery or Hawaii art, please visit my website at www.DeesignsByHarris.com.  Wishing you a mighty fine day!

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